Bad Day at Shoney's

"Remember. You are in the South; and you are a Northerner." My wife warned me before I left her that day, and it makes you wonder what was in her mind. Does she think I am some kind of certified nut? (Or an uncertified one?) Sheesh.

My last day would be spent around the hotel, checking the local sights. A long walk to the end of hotel property, across a highway and then into an area with large parking lots. I went this way, then that way, looking for the right place to have lunch. The night before we had seen old people making their way towards a restaurant that, sure enough, had blowups of old people eating. They know their clientele. But it was closed, and the urge to use the facilities was getting more urgent. The Thai place we ate at the night before was a possibility--They have good, cheap lunches usually. No, we are traveling, I should try something new. The Shoney's sign beckoned. We had popped in the night before to just check it out and figured it was like a Boston Market. Wrong. I went in, saw a buffet, and smelled something. I wish now that I had left then. But I was hungry. So, first a pit stop to wash my hands.

It was one of those large wheelchair access booths that I hate. I never feel right in them. Then afterwards...the paper. Nothing to grab. It would not roll out. It was one of those super huge rolls, big as a cheesewheel. I tipped it, tapped it; pushed it. It was a goddamn new roll! And no one had gotten it started! Distress rising, I figured if I could somehow get the plastic cover off of it...and then crash, the whole thing hit the floor, a screw rolled on the floor. I stopped, waited, listened. Nothing.

I was desperate, had to get out of the bathroom, and out of that restaurant. But maybe they would not like that; if I ran. Be cool. Breathe. I picked up the whole thing, held it under my right arm, reached in with my left hand and just clawed out a chunk of paper, which served its purpose. Someone came in, I was quiet. I suited up, placed the cheesewheel quietly on the floor against the wall, and then, damn fool, reached out with my foot to drag in the big screw that was on the floor just outside the booth. It was just out of reach and I had to try again. Then I realized I was in the South, in a public bathroom, there was a guy at the sink, and I had my foot outside the booth, tapping the floor! Help! He left, I hurried out (yes, I washed my hands, even though I am not an employee!), and then nonchalantly stood by the host's station. The food was crap, but I was hungry so I probably ate too much of the crap, washing it down with a milkshake, bad choice. But I got out of there alive! Advice to all: never, ever, eat at a Shoney's. I know I never will.